I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can
think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can
tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly
involves me.
Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you
realize you're wrong.
I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to
have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and
sticks when they've invented the lighter?
Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're
going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to
be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the
direction from which you came, you have to first do something like
check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to
yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're
crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was
younger.
The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This
recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never
be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.
Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't
work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically
fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all
know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards
or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.
There is a great need for sarcasm font.
Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and
suddenly realize I had no idea what the f*** was going on when I
first saw it.
I think everyone has a movie that they love so much; it actually
becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting
90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's
laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little
bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the
only one who really, really gets it.
How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than
take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear
your computer history if you die.
The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to
finish a text.
A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the
spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.
Was learning cursive really necessary?
Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else
to say".
I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and
hunger.
Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron
test is absolutely petrifying.
My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads.
Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I
inquired about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate
us." Classy, bro.
Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all
I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".
How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod
and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up
to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong,
brothers!
While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and
instinctively swerved to avoid it....thanks Mario Kart.
MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I
know how to get out of my neighborhood.
Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the
person died.
I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the
shower first and THEN turn on the water.
Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty,
and you can wear them forever.
I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
Bad decisions make good stories.
Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their
profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got
the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind
if I do!
If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring
would probably just be completely invisible.
Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go
around and say their name and where they are from, I get so
incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from; this
shouldn't be a problem...
You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work
when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything
productive for the rest of the day.
Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't
want to have to restart my collection.
There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are
going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me
if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I
swear I did not make any changes to.
"Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this
ever.
I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people
watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will
they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't
watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and
leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'
While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China
and USA . No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain
that when Chinese athletes don't win, they are executed.
I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello?
Darnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and
goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the
phone and run away?
I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not
seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she
hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light
internet stalking.
I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle,
then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising
speed for pedophiles...
Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still
not know what time it is.
It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.
I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to
answer when they call.
I think that if, years down the road when I'm trying to have a kid, I
find out that I'm sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from
the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.
Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do
to with it.
Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car
keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on
the Donkey - but I'd bet my a$$ everyone can find and push the Snooze
button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first
time every time...
My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would
happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the h*ll do I respond to that?
It really pi$$es me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and
the link takes me to a video instead of text.
I wonder if cops ever get pi$$ed off at the fact that everyone they
drive behind obeys the speed limit.
I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or
Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.
The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw
they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words,
someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think
about it, and then estimate d that there must be at least four people
eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating
by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat b@st@rd
before dinner.
